


Partridge Packages 2020

by APMMM1410



Category: I'm Alan Partridge (TV), Mid Morning Matters
Genre: Banter, Gen, Mid Morning Matters - Freeform, North Norfolk Digital
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:36:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29311953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/APMMM1410/pseuds/APMMM1410
Summary: The calamities, catastrophes, conundrums, and overwhelming insanity of perhaps the most disastrous year, seen through the lens of Norfolk radio's (2nd) most popular persona. Includes: Alan's experience of coronavirus, his take on Cardi B/Megan Thee Stallion's WAP, and more.
Kudos: 1
Collections: Alan Appreciation Collection





	Partridge Packages 2020

Partridge Packages 2020  
March 23rd

The final murmurs of the news fade as Alan begins the next part of the show.

“Well, there are reports of a killer virus sweeping the globe, and inbound to devastate these very shores of ours- and no, I’m not talking about the upcoming series of Love Island.”

“Well what do you think Alan, aren’t we going to have the new Black Death on our hands?”, Simon ponders.

The renowned, and oft hated laugh of Partridge rings out for considerable minutes, a Joker-like grin alongside it, as Simon waits uncomfortably.

“It’s all tosh isn’t it, balderdash, we’ll be fine. The only mask you’ll see me wearing is the mask of superiority and smugness- because I didn’t bow down to fearmongering charlatans.”, Alan states.

“Well I reckon it could be a big deal.”

Ignoring the foreboding nature of Simon’s reply Alan plays the next track, “…here’s a disease which struck the pop world aeons ago: it’s Rick Astley with Never Gonna Give You Up.”

April 2nd:

Alone in the studio, and rapidly approaching airtime, Simon is approached by the producer.

“We’ve just been told Alan’s contracted coronavirus, you’ll have to take over today, possibly for the foreseeable future”, the producer informs him.

“What?! But I can’t- well, I suppose I could try, I’ve definitely got emergency jokes to fill the time.”

Time goes on, with Simon steering the MMM ship admirably, not a soul noticing the absence of its primary host, until…

“We have a caller now, to talk about who they think is the greatest …, hello?”, Simon intones.

“Hello, it’s Alan.”

“Alan?”, Simon asks.

“Yes, Alan, I work with you, you twit!”

“Oh that Alan yes…well, what do you think of …?”

“Never mind that, I just wanted to bid a long-awaited greeting, and to announce my ‘Alan Partridge Face Masks’, now part of the Blazer and Tie set.”

“Well, thank you Alan”, Simon imposes as he closes the call and continues the show.

April 15th:

Alan manoeuvres into the studio, cumbersome to a chaotic extent, rolling through in an inflatable sphere.

“I thought you’d been quarantining?”, Simon postulates, bewildered, as Alan sends mugs and papers sailing to the floor.

“Well, I had the ingenious resourcefulness to cocoon myself in this plastic sphere, not only protecting myself and others from infection, but also acting as a rather shrewd alternative transportation. You should have seen the gits on their mobility scooters! Didn’t stand a chance.”

“How do you plan on actually broadcasting into the mic though, and drinking for that matter?”, Simon queries.

“Easy, there’s a Bluetooth connection between the studio mic and the one attached to my lapel; I also installed two tubes into the sphere, one which transports heavenly tea into me upon the whim of my very lips, and one which takes my urine into this little bag here. Lynne assisted me with the catheter you see, there’s plenty more duties she’s taken on since we've started self-isolating together…”

Ignoring the sheer disgust painted on Simon’s face, Alan ploughs on, recounting to the viewers the inspiration behind his solution.

“…there’s this quite excellent band- they’re no ELO mind you, but who is really- the Flaming Lips they’re called, and they, they all got in these plastic balls in order to perform to a crowd who were also in these balls-”

“Lots of balls rubbing together was it?”, Simon interjects.

“You dirty get!”, Alan retorts.

September 5th:

“Today we’re asking, who’s the best Boris: Becker, Johnson, or Yelsin?”

Alan slides the dial on the radio console, positioning the next track into play.

“Here’s Dorothy’s furry friend with an ode to the sub-continent; its Toto with Africa!”

As the track continues, the pair converse with a whimsical but simultaneously tense atmosphere.

“The question is, who’s the better at serving, Becker or Johnson?”, Simon chimes sardonically. “Well, judging from what we’ve seen so far of Johnson’s sporting talent, he’s no Becker; he can’t exactly keep track of his balls either can he? He’d be as much use as eliminating a virus with disinfectant.”

Alan laughs a loud, hearty chuckle, which tersely fizzles out into a subdued groan, unsuccessfully disguising his antipathy towards Simon’s remarks. Instead, he continues the radio itinerary with an even more apparent anger.

“Well, it seems that Becker and Johnson are neck and neck, with Yelsin firmly out of the picture.”, Alan declares begrudgingly.

“You could say it’s a deuce.”, Simon puts across, giggling like a schoolboy.

Finally noticing Alan’s discomfort, he says: “Perhaps you should call for a second referendum Alan.”

November 30th:

“Up next: its damp; its Eeyore’s cousin; its feline- its WAP!”

Alan raises the dial on the radio console, playing the track.

Registering the blatant enthusiasm Alan shows as he mouths the lyrics of the song, Simon questions the greying broadcaster.

“You’re a big fan of the ‘new’ pop music then Alan? Or is it just the music video you like? Do you like a bit more junk in the trunk Alan?”,  
Simon asks.

“No no, now you shut your face you…”

Alan trails off as his visage changes to a glazed look, his eyes staring at something seventy miles ahead, as he recalls the imagery of the famed video.

The track fades to a close.

“It was actually my son Fernando who enlightened me upon this fantastic new genre of music…”, “…there’s a message for you folks, absorb what your children, the trailblazing youth embark upon you”, Alan remarks, teary-eyed. “Let us know the most valuable thing you learnt from your offspring.”

Alan’s phone pings audibly.

“Another thing… this spectacular work of art is a true, unfiltered, liberating representation of the oppression and censorship of women and female pleasure. You know, why isn’t it so explicitly pronounced as it is for men?”, Alan ponders, one hand raised and open-palmed in mock-incredulity.

“Was that a text from Lynne?”, Simon asks, smiling ruefully.  
********************  
“That track, in a list compiled by Rolling Stone, was recently crowned as 2020’s greatest song, ladies and gentlemen. At number two was Mr. Bob Dylan. Now, go for it I say, put ‘em up there…equality. But above Dylan? Tell us your thoughts.”

“What have you got for us later on Simon?”

“Well-”

“And you know what, Dylan was in a supergroup with a certain fellow frizzy haired frontman.”

With Simon registering his clear unawareness, Alan continues.

“The Travelling Wilbury’s? Jeff Lynne??!”, Alan asks, exasperated. “They’re only the band the Band could have been. They’re up next, after the news.”  
*********************


End file.
